Don’t Ask

I’m sad. Because after the third round of Clomid after my surgery in May, we are still not pregnant. While I am so happy my ovaries are back in full swing, I’m still tak ‘berisi’ as my grandmother love to remind me.

I’m sad. Because I’m surrounded by pregnant people who are complaining about their fat cheeks, their weight gain, back pains, getting back to their pre-pregnancy weight and morning sickness. And yet they never spare a time to think about those who have not had the chance to experience all that – or maybe won’t ever be able to.

I’m sad. Because I see other ttc-sisters struggling, failing tries after tries. Because I empathize with them. Because I know how they feel. To know that you are slowly running out of options.

I wish TTC is easy. For everyone.

I wish no one would have to go through this tiresome and emotional journey.

I wish everyone could just empathize.

It has been years for me and this is not even new to me, or anyone who’s been on the TTC journey. We all know and have read about struggles that we can relate to or not. The struggle knows no boundaries, or race, or age. I, myself, have read numerous post about people struggling with society while TTC, in our country itself.

That’s just the thing. It’s not the fertility struggle, or the financial struggle; it is the societal struggle that is that hardest to bear. Because that is just how our masyarakat is. That’s just how people are.

 “Still not pregnant? My daughter is pregnant with her 5th child!”

“You are fat and not pregnant? A shame that you are not ‘berisi’.”

“Why do you have to take folic acid for? I didn’t and I got pregnant!”

“Why is it so hard? We just decided to have a girl and the following month I was confirmed pregnant!”

“You have to eat healthy? That’s so tedious! I ate whatever I want and I got pregnant!”

“I didn’t pantang anything or even exercise and I have 5 children!

“So many years still not pregnant ah? Better try urut.”

“Not planning to have children?”

“Why did you adopt for? Just keep trying lah!”

“My friend waited 10 years to get pregnant, didn’t even try fertility treatments.”

“Some people waited longer than you to get pregnant. Just chill!”


Don’t rub your good fortune onto people’s faces. Be happy you’re fat, you are nourishing your baby. Be grateful of the chance to experience morning sickness. If you can’t stand it, DON’T GET PREGNANT. Stop complaining! There are so many people who want to be in your shoes, and yet you are not an inch grateful about what God has given you.

It’s not because I am jealous. It’s not because I refuse to be happy for others or share their blessings. Especially if you are my friend. I support others, I share their joy. I enjoy following updates of other moms TTC and their success stories.

So when you are concern about me, what I am going through, or how it feels to be TTC with infertility, share my burden. But if you want to ask just because the answer would make you feel great about yourself, don’t ask. If you want to ask just because the answer would make you feel how fortunate you have been, don’t ask.

Ask, only if you want to share half the sorrow. Ask, only if you know you can empathize. Ask only if you care.


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